Birthday Reflections: A New Song

For my birthday, I had planned on writing a lengthy post reflecting back on the year, particularly speaking about God's faithfulness in restoring my soul after a long and very dark period precipitated by my miscarriage a little over a year ago.  But sometimes words simply fall short.

So in one sentence and one Scripture passage, I'll sum it up:

I am grateful for a life filled with love, God's healing hand restoring my broken soul, a future filled with great hope and promise, and a new song in my heart.


Psalm 96: 1-6
1  Sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
    proclaim his salvation day after day.
3 Declare his glory among the nations,
    his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
4 For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
    he is to be feared above all gods.
5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
    but the Lord made the heavens.
6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
    strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

Missing The Child I Never Knew

{ the beautiful cake presented to me at my baby shower while eagerly expecting my firstborn }

I could've been celebrating my baby's birth date any day now.   Instead of writing this post, I would've been making final preparations for his/her arrival, drafting the announcement email and soon plastering Facebook with a very first picture.  Who knows?  Maybe my family and friends would've even thrown me a baby sprinkle, even though I would've protested thinking it completely unnecessary.  The thought of it all makes me quite sad.

Obviously that's not how things turned out.  That's not what God had in store for our family.

The miscarriage last August didn't just throw me for a loop; it made me grieve like I never had before.  I was taken aback by my sense of deep loss, because it had been a pregnancy both unplanned and initially unwelcomed. 

I wrote much of this post months ago while in the process of grieving and wasn't sure it was something I'd ever share.  But what I realized about miscarriages is that they are so common yet uncommonly spoken of.  When a miscarriage survivor grieves, it is often done so privately.  In the past, I have had a few friends share with me the news of their miscarriage, and all I could do was sympathize with them and say, "I'm sorry."  This post assured me that it was the best and sometimes only thing you can say.

Until I experienced the miscarriage myself, I didn't understand the level of physical and emotional toll it takes on you. I didn't understand the emptiness it leaves or the sorrow that lingers of never holding, meeting, or knowing your child.  Now I know.  Sharing my experience is important to me, because I think it's part of the healing process and perhaps others who've endured a similar loss will find some comfort knowing they're not alone.

After the positive pregnancy test last summer (and two more tests after that just to be sure), the truth is I was not jumping up for joy or bouncing off the walls with delight.  In fact, I was a complete mess.  How were we going to manage?  I could barely keep up with the boys as it was.  We couldn't possibly do this again.

It was enough to make me cry.  And with raging hormones all about, cry is exactly what I did!  The first few days were a blur as I tried to soak in the news.  This was definitely not a part of the plan.  We felt complete as a family of four.  We had finally fallen into a rhythm with our 3 and soon-to-be 2-year-old sons.  Things were finally getting easier for us.  This threw us off.

But my husband and I eventually came to grips with this new reality, because really, we had no other choice.  We surrendered our plans to God.  “Okay, Lord.  This is what You want.  We'll trust that You'll provide all we need.  We will welcome this baby into our family with open arms.”

My husband and I began thinking about how insane this spring would be for us, but we slowly allowed ourselves to look forward to the madness.  We suspected it was another boy and even joked around that finding a good name would be hard – we’d already exhausted the top contenders on our boys' name list.  Maybe we could go with Ethan or Aiden (although those names were becoming more and more frequent in our circle of friends)?

We started to think of creative and clever ways to share the news with family (we had sent boxes filled with baby stuff to our parents when we were expecting our firstborn).  However, not long after, I started to feel  cramping in my stomach.  It wasn’t severe, but it was uncomfortable enough to make me worry.  So I googled “cramping in early pregnancy” to see if this was normal and to my relief, I discovered that it was.  Then later that evening, the back pain started.  But because I was prone to back aches, I thought nothing of it.

The night after that, spots of blood appeared in the toilet.

Even though spotting in the first trimester is common, I knew right then and there something was not right.  This hadn't happened in my previous pregnancies.  I had trouble sleeping that night, and when I finally did fall asleep sometime in the dawn hours, I had a dream.  It was very fragmented and hard to make out.  I was at a big party crowded with complete strangers.  But in the midst of the crowd, I saw a very familiar face - that of my mother.  She looked stoic and calm.  Then I suddenly had an urge to use the bathroom.  So I looked all over the venue for a toilet and found one in the middle of the dance floor, with nothing but sheer drapes surrounding it.  I had to go so badly, I didn’t care who could see me.  As I relieved myself, I looked down and saw a pool of blood.

I woke up frazzled by the dream.  I gingerly touched my stomach, and my instinct told me the baby was gone.

That morning, I called my OB’s office and described the cramping, back aches, and bleeding to the nurse over the phone.  The doctor was able to see me that afternoon.  My sister-in-law kindly watched the boys for me while they took their afternoon naps.  We had yet to break the news to her, and this was not the way I envisioned telling her. 

As I sat in the waiting room, I absentmindedly skimmed through the pages of a pregnancy magazine, my mind completely elsewhere.  I wished my husband had been there with me.  I was not prepared for this, but I told myself everything would be alright.  A nurse finally called my name and escorted me into the room with the ultrasound machine.  And as I sat on the examination table waiting for the doctor, I said to God, “Whatever happens, I will trust You.”

And that’s when I heard the uncontrollable sobbing coming from the office next door where the OB conducted his consultations.  Whatever news had been broken to this woman had practically broken her to pieces.  I sat there, head down staring at the linoleum floor tiling, listening to the wailing through the thin walls and struggled to fight off tears myself.  “I’m so sorry.  I’m truly sorry for whatever it is you’re going through,” I thought to myself. 

A few short minutes later, there was a knock on the door and the OB and nurse walked into the room.  I tried to conjure up a smile, and the OB poorly attempted to do the same.  There was only somberness in the air.  Whatever news he’d just relayed to the woman in the room next door affected this veteran obstetrician as well.  I lied down on the examination table and said to the doctor, “I can’t believe we’re doing this all over again.”  He had seen me through my first two pregnancies.

When the doctor looked at the screen on the ultrasound machine, I knew it wasn’t good.  He turned the monitor towards me and pointed at a small white circle about the size of a quarter; it was the birth sac where the baby should have been.  He very calmly said, “There’s an empty sac.  This could mean two things.  It’s either too early in the pregnancy to see the baby, or it’s a bad pregnancy.”

I had never heard the term "bad pregnancy".  Miscarriage, yes.  Bad pregnancy, no.  I didn't like the sound of it at all.  It didn't seem right that there should be such a thing.

“We’ll draw some blood and be able to know for sure in a couple days.”

“And if it is a bad pregnancy?” I asked.

“We’ll have to schedule an appointment to do a D&C.”  He printed out the sonogram of the empty sac, and for a moment, I thought he was going to hand it to me.  But he placed it in my file instead. Would it have been weird for me to ask for it?  It was the only physical reminder, other than the positive pregnancy tests, that this child existed.

I asked the doctor, “Can I just pass it naturally?”  The idea of my baby’s remains being scraped or suctioned out of me made me sick to my stomach.

“There could be a lot of bleeding and hemorrhaging.  D&C makes it easier.”

“Okay.  Thank you, Doctor.”  It was all I could say.

The nurse drew my blood.  And with a prick in the arm and a pit in my stomach, I left the office.

That night, I bled heavily, and because I opted against the D&C, I continued to bleed for over two weeks.  I wondered if it would ever stop.  Each trip to the bathroom became a painful reminder of the baby I had lost.

In the aftermath, the grief consumed me.  The miscarriage numbed both me and my husband with a lingering sadness that ensued for days.   But it also made us embrace what we did have - the incredible blessings in our lives, namely our two sons.  I know there are many couples who experience miscarriages (and some tragically more than once) who have no other children to help soften the blow or ease their pain and suffering.  My heart absolutely breaks for them, and for any woman who’s experienced life and death in the womb.

It’s an awful thing. 

Though I had told God I would trust Him no matter what the outcome, my anger took over.  I felt like my chains had been yanked and I wanted Him to answer for this incredible sense of loss I carried with me for weeks which turned into months.  I started to question everything about Him - God's very character and even His purpose and plan, not only for me but for the world.  What is the point of all of this?  What's the point of all the suffering, all the pain, all the hurt?

I retreated and fell off the face of the planet, abandoning a lot of things that had been a big part of my life before - church, ministry, work (I was still consulting), blogs, social media, social circles, writing, baking.  Instead I spent that time questioning, doubting, reading, researching - trying to find the truth.  I read a lot of Scripture in the attempt to analyze, dissect, and cross-examine the God I thought I knew but felt betrayed by.  I bombarded my husband and anyone who would listen (these were usually friends from my growth and discipleship groups) with endless questions about faith, God, infallibility, creation, redemption, salvation, justice, suffering, heaven, hell.  What did it all mean? 

I came to a point where I had to either reject what I've always believed or continue to have faith when it didn't make complete sense.  After a great deal of wrestling, the conclusions I came to were (1) I will never have all the answers.  I'm not God.  And I am in no position to shake my fists and demand all the answers from Him (not that it's wrong for me or anyone to ask the questions).  (2) With every fiber of my being, I cannot deny who I am or who Christ is.  I'm a sinner.  Deserving of a punishment I can't imagine.  But saved by the love He demonstrated on the cross, taking on the punishment that should've been mine, literally going to the depths of hell for me.  I was bought and redeemed by this act of love.  I am His and He is mine.  These are the things I know to be true, even when my logic would try to tell me otherwise.

I also know what's true of God's character.  He is good, even though I questioned that for a period.  Miscarriages and "bad pregnancies" are not His design.   And one day, we'll live in a world where these things no longer exist and every tear will be wiped away.  Sorrow will be no more.

And it's there that perhaps I'll get to meet and hold my baby, whose fragile heartbeat once resided with mine, even ever so brief.

Celebrating Love and Life

This year, our wedding anniversary falls on Easter Sunday.  According to Answers.com, this will only occur in 2011 and 2095 in this century, so I want to relish it.  The significance of this is not lost on me.  I celebrate the two greatest loves of my life on this dedicated occasion.  And both their names just happen to start with the letter "J".

I celebrate the one here on earth, who six years ago promised to hold and love me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.  And in those six years, he has loved me through the good and the bad, the fun times and the rather awful, and exercised forgiveness and grace when it would have been easier to walk through the front door and not look back.  I've done the same for him.

And I rejoice in the One, the King, who thousands of years ago was promised to us, humbly came to earth born in a manger, and lived a brief but perfect and righteous life only to endure an awful death and the wrath of hell for my sake.  In the greatest act of love, He took on the punishment that should have been mine instead of walking away and turning His back.  He died and rose again so that death can never keep us apart.

Rebuilding

{ building something new every day }

The beauty of playing legos with your child is that you never make the same thing twice.  Today CJ wanted to make a "sleeping place" for his cars (he loves his beloved cars).  So we made this nice little tower for them to rest in.

And here lies an analogy for life (I do love analogies).  You take the "pieces" you have - nothing different from what you've had yesterday or the day before - and you build something new.

I've been in that process of "rebuilding" the past several weeks.  The "pieces" in my life just didn't seem to fit into place, and it all seemed to crumble around me.   I often wished for better and newer "pieces" thinking it would somehow solve all my problems and that I could build something better for myself.  And sure, new pieces do help sometimes and can be great fun.

But the pieces in my life are the same as they were weeks before.   However, God's been good in showing me how vital each one is and the potential for the new and beautiful things waiting to be built and created with them each and every day.

Tomorrow, CJ and I will take these same lego pieces and build a farm with animals and all.  He's quite good at making horses out of them.

Walk on Water

{ circa May 2007 along the coast of Big Island, Hawaii }

Some days you feel like you can barely keep your head above water.

The waves come crashing over you and you hold your breath kicking, splashing, and flailing with everything you've got.  You swallow gulps full of water and then come back up for air only to have another wave wash over you.

And in a moment of sheer desperation, you muster up just enough strength to whisper a simple plea.

"Rescue me."

This is where I've been.  Overwhelmed, exhausted, and crying out for relief.

But what I'm realizing is that I've been relying on my own strength to keep me afloat instead of resting in the Lord and trusting in His power.  I've been crying out for a life preserver when Jesus himself walks out on the water, commands the waves to stop, holds His hand out and says, "Take courage!  It is I. Don't be afraid." (Matthew 14:27)

When we don't have the strength to hold on, the amazing thing is God walks on water, reaches out His arms, and holds on to us.

Love is a Choice We Make

{ along the streets of New York near my office }

I’ll just say it.  Being a mother is not easy.  In fact, it’s the most difficult job and role I’ve ever had.  And this is one I can’t quit . . . even on the days I want to.

And yes, that thought has crossed my mind.

One evening after midnight, both my children woke up screaming and crying.  Exhausted, drained, and frustrated, I attended to them but couldn’t help but think how they were infringing on what I wanted most at that moment.  Peace, quiet, and rest.  And then it crept into my head, almost out of nowhere.

The thought, “Wouldn’t my life be easier if I just walked away?”

It sounds awful, doesn’t it?  Just writing it makes me feel like a horrible mother and wife.  But the truth of the matter is I know I’m not alone.  Mothers everywhere - particularly those with very young children - wrestle with the “what if …” and spend time daydreaming of another life.  Perhaps one that’s simpler, or more exciting and exotic, or just one that doesn’t involve dirty diapers, potties on the head, washing out food stains, or dealing with inconsolable tantrums.

On the difficult and challenging days when life is just a blur and nothing more than going through the motions, the thought occurs more often than one would like to admit.

But I love my children!  I love my husband!  I could never do that.

Of course we say that, and of course we mean it . . . at least most of the time.  But love is not just a feeling.  It's a choice we make.  Sure, sometimes it makes your heart beat and flutter and feel all warm inside.   But when that fades away or those emotions are absent, then what?  Is love gone?  And then is it time to move on?  Well, that does seem to be the trend these days.

But no.

Love is caring for someone even if it means sacrifice on our part.

Love is choosing to give your heart fully and wholly to someone, even if it means becoming painfully vulnerable.

Love is choosing to be by someone’s side, even if it means carrying the weight of their burdens and struggles.

Love is doing the mundane and seemingly insignificant, because it may mean the world to someone else.

Love is saying, “I will be there with you,” even when hitting the high road would be so much easier.

Love is entering into the deep, dark, difficult places together and walking hand-in-hand toward the light.

Love is seeing all the ugliness of a person and choosing to embrace him or her still.

Love is going through life together, no matter how messy and complicated it gets.

What will I choose?

I'm reminded Jesus had a choice.  He could’ve easily walked away.  And you know, the thought did occur to Him as He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me . . .” (Luke 22:42a)

Wouldn’t it have been easier to just get up, silence His assailants, or just ascend to heaven right there and then?  Why go through the suffering and the incredible pain?  Why make the sacrifice, especially for the sake of those who mocked and scorned Him?   Why not take the easy way out?

Because He chose love and obedience.

“Yet not my will, but Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42b)

And that is the thing about Jesus.  He never lost sight of the big picture.  Even as nails were hammered into His wrists and feet, and He was mocked with a crown of thorns upon His head, sweat and blood dripping down His face, gasping desperately for breath as He hung on the cross, He was always mindful of His Father’s kingdom, His Father’s promises, and His Father’s love.

On the days when I’m tired, exhausted, and wondering what the point of all this is, I need to focus on the big picture.  God has called me to care for my family.  He has entrusted to me and my husband the care and nurture of two young precious boys, soon to be men before we know it.   They are His glorious creations, and this is the glorious work He has called us to.  He equips us with all that we need and more.

I choose to love.  I choose to trust.  I choose to walk through this complicated, messy, beautiful life with my husband and children.  I choose to say, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
                                                                               - Romans 5:6-8

A Thousand Beautiful Things

I was greatly inspired by this article published in the Huffington Post today.  In it, the author briefly touches on a tragic incident that left her heart jaded and bitter.  It wasn't until she started giving thanks on a regular basis, that she began to see the beauty in life and enjoy "God in the moment".

So starting today, I'm jotting down the things I'm grateful for - both big and small.  And I'm sure the list will reach and exceed a thousand before I know it, because God is a good God and has lavished on us countless, beautiful gifts.

I'd encourage you to start your own list! 

A Thousand Beautiful Things:

1. Others who share their stories of encouragement.
2. A husband who prays.
3. My sons making funny faces.
4. The comfort of lying in a warm bed.
5. Creativity that comes in all shapes and forms.
6. Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.
7. When my son says "I love you" completely out of the blue.
8. My children's laughter when I nuzzle my nose against their belly.
9. A good cup of coffee to help through the day.
10. Being able to read Scripture with a renewed hunger for the Word.
11. Those who fight for justice & go into the trenches to secure freedom for all.
12. Missing socks that magically reappear somehow.
13. The testimony of a friend who is fostering a child.
14. Popcorn jellybellies ... even if no one else likes them.
15. Free food!
16. A song that makes your heart leap and your soul rejoice.
17. Boot sales.
18. Enjoying Korean fried chicken and a pint of Killian's Red with your favorite person (aka husband).
19. Organic mixed vegetables from Costco.
20. Homemade cards.
21. Toddlers who enjoy and finish their meals.
22. Warm weather after a not-so-pleasant winter.
23. The anticipation of spring.
24. Playdates with moms and their kids.
25. Town library where the boys are free to roam.
26. Quiet afternoons.
27. My children's health.
28. Being reminded by my mother that children running, screaming exuberantly, and being full of life is a good thing.
29. My mom who is an amazing and humble servant of the Lord.
30. Little boys who like to exert their energy in the snow.
31. Hot bowl of soup on a cold winter's day.
32. Women who open up their hearts and open up their lives.
33. Knowing you're not the only one who doesn't have it all together.  Everyone else is right there with you.
34. Grace that washes away even the ugliest of sins.
35. A husband who is supportive and patient.
36. A child's arms wrapped tightly around your neck.
37. Dark chocolate brownie bites.
38. A sermon message that reminds us to worship God in the moment. 
39. God clinging to us when we are most desperate.
40. A simple yet powerful word of encouragement.
41. A friend's prayer.
42. A sister who patiently and lovingly listens in our time of need.
43. The internet and how it allows me to connect with folks I would never have otherwise.
44. Children who love their veggies.
45. Building legos with your son and never making the same thing twice.
46. Standing with 1,000 believers in praise and adoration of the King.
47. Lemon cookies.
48. Adorable matching outfits for the kids.
49. Husband who takes care of you when you're sick.
50. Boys laughing and chatting with each other at bed time.
51. Friends dropping off dinner when you're not well.
52. Spontaneous date nights with hubby.
53. A hot bowl of extra spicy tofu soup.
54. Molten chocolate lava cake made in 10 minutes.
55. The day your child stops crying when you drop him off at preschool.
56. An encouraging word from your child's teacher.
57. Hilarious DIY superhero outfits!
58. Seeing my 3-year-old son moved by Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.
59. The Jesus Storybook Bible.
60. Saturdays at the park.
61. Iced coffee.
62. Getting a long overdue pedicure with a friend.
63. Friends who foster!
64. Potty training success.
65. Unexpected flowers.
66. Kind words from a stranger.
67. New friends.
68. The heart of a 4-year-old.
69. God's timing for all things.
70. Brothers going to preschool together.
71. The funny things 2-year-olds say.
72. Cousins.
73. Movements that are making a difference in the world.
74. Answered prayers for a friend's child.
75. Having amazing friends who also happen to be amazing dentists!
76. A 5-year-old's sweet and genuine prayer.
77. Missionaries taking the gospel to the ends of the earth.
78. The sun beaming warm and bright on the face after a long, cold winter.
79. Knowing change is possible when others might tell you otherwise.
80. When communities rally together for a good cause.
81. Puppy kisses.

To be continued . . .

The Greatest Gift a Husband Can Give His Wife

{ the greatest gift a husband can give his wife }

Over the weekend, I shared with my husband my desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman but struggled with understanding exactly what that meant.  Reading the passage over a few times, I didn't get what being this "wife of noble character" fully encompassed.  Or maybe the truth was I didn't feel I could ever live up to the woman depicted in the passage.

So my husband shared this short devotional book with me:  How to Pray for Your Wife.

He read it last year and told me about it then.  But I didn't fully appreciate what this meant or how this helped shape his specific prayers for me and us as a family. 

This morning while I was at the library with my toddler and father-in-law, I consumed the book, finished it in 30 minutes (it's a short and quick read), became overwhelmed with emotion but fought off tears (didn't want librarians to think I was having a meltdown), and thanked God for my husband and his gift of prayer to and for me.  In the guide, I saw James' notes and markings and felt a sense of deep love poured over me.   How blessed I am to have a man who loves me in such a way he intercedes on my behalf daily, encourages me, and points me to Christ!

And then I realized the greatest gift a man can give his wife is not flowers, jewelry, chocolate, or a fancy dinner out but rather the gift of daily interceding on her behalf through prayer.  This gift lasts for eternity, the value is even greater with time, it can't be stolen, and it is overflowing with love and tender care.

Husbands and wives, this is a book I highly recommend.  You can read it separately and then together.  I know its intention is meant for husbands, but this book gives great insight into Proverbs 31 verse by verse (starting with verse 10).  It's set up to be a 31-day devotional:  each day is spent examing a verse from the chapter, discussing the character/quality of the wife, how it applies to her and what it implies for the husband as well, and how to specifically pray for her, the family, and the husband himself.  It's recommended for singles as well, to help shape prayers for their future spouse. 

If you need further convincing that this devotional is well worth the investment, here's an excerpt. It was Day 1's suggested prayer that had me nearly in tears (skip to page 23 of the excerpt to read Day 1 devotional) :

1. Lord, set my wife free as a redeemed daughter, and restore in her your image so that she might become a strong and mighty woman.
2. Enable my wife to trust in you that you might deliver her from fears and insecurities that haunt her.
3. Enable me to be a husband who provides security to my family just as you provide security for your people. Help me to point my family to you through my words and actions.

Here are how the days are broken up:

Day 1:  Security 
"An excellent wife..." (Proverbs 31:10A)

Day 2:  Treasure
"...who can find?  Her value is far above jewels." (Proverbs 31:10B)

Day 3:  Trust
 "Her husband trusts in her fully...." (Proverbs 31:11A)

Day 4:  Provision
"...And he is never lacking in spoil." (Proverbs 31:11B)

Day 5:  Rewards
"She shows him good, not evil, all the days of her life." (Proverbs 31:12)

Day 6:  Creativity
"She seeks wool and linen and works in delight with her hands." (Proverbs 31:13)

Day 7:  Service
"She is like trade ships; she brings her food from a great distance." (Proverbs 31:14)

Day 8:  Devotion
"And she gets up while it is still dark, and she gives food to her family and portions to her servant girls." (Proverbs 31:15)

Day 9:  Bargain-hunter
"She considers a field and buys it." (Proverbs 31:16A)

Day 10:  Entrepreneur
"From the fruit of her own hands, she plants a vineyard." (Proverbs 31:16B)

Day 11:  Strength
"She dresses herself in strength, and she makes her arms strong." (Proverbs 31:17)

Day 12: Artistry
"She sees that her merchandis is good..." (Proverbs 31:18A)

Day 13:  Excitement
"...She does not extinguish her lamp at night." (Proverbs 31:18B)

Day 14:  Multitasking
"In her hand she holds the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle." (Proverbs 31:19)

Day 15:  Hospitality
"She spreads out her hands to the poor..." (Proverbs 31:20A)

Day 16:  Mercy 
"And [she] reaches out to the needy." (Proverbs 31:20B)

Day 17:  Covering
"She is not afraid of snow for her household, because all of them are doubly clothed." (Proverbs 31:21)

Day 18:  Balance
"She makes for herself coverings of tapestry; and linen and purple are her clothing." (Proverbs 31:22)

Day 19:  Significance
"Her husband is known at the city gates where he takes his seat with the elders of the land" (Proverbs 31:23)

Day 20:  Light
"She makes linen garments, which she sells, and gives belts to the merchants." (Proverbs 31:24)

Day 21:  Majesty
"Strength and majesty are her clothing" (Proverbs 31:25A)

Day 22:  Laughter
"And she laughs at the days to come" (Proverbs 31:25B)

Day 23:  Wisdom
"She opens her mouth with wisdom." (Proverbs 31:26A)

Day 24:  Grace
"And the law of grace is on her tongue." (Proverbs 31:26B)

Day 25:  Watchwoman
"She watches over the way of her household."  (Proverbs 31:27A)

Day 26:  Active

"...And [she] does not eat the bread of slothfulness."  (Proverbs 31:27B)

Day 27:  Cherished
"Her children stand up and call her blessed; and her husband praises her."  (Proverbs 31:28)

Day 28:  Appreciation

"Many women do noble things, but you go beyond them all."  (Proverbs 31:29)

Day 29:  Idol-smasher

"Elegance is a lie; beauty is vanity." (Proverbs 31:30A)

Day 30:  God-fearer

"A woman who fears the Lord - she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30B)

Day 31:  Praise

"Give to her the fruit of the hands, and let her works praise her at the city gates." (Proverbs 31:31)

---

Husbands and wives, make an investment in this book.  Your marriage will greatly benefit from it and be blessed by it.

And to my husband, I praise God for you, your noble character, and your amazing gift to me and our children. 

A Mother's Calling

{ my beautiful calling }

I miss the point, and I miss it all the time.  I focus my time, energy, and emotions on things that mean so little when you look at the big picture of life.  I want things to be organized and orderly.  I want my home to be orderly, my kids, my day, my life.  I want it all put together, flawless, and simple.  And when things don't go that way, I lose it.  I get flustered, frustrated, and frantic.  Why don't things go the way I plan???

And when you have two boys - 2.5-years-old and 16-months-old - it NEVER goes as planned.  Meals I spend a good deal of time preparing get chucked on the floor, or someone poops again at the most inopportune time, or one wakes up due to night terrors while the other is restless from teething, or toys get dumped in the middle of a room that I just straightened out, or projects I want to work on get delayed because nap time is a bust.

I have asked myself several times this past month if this has been the right decision for me to stay home.  Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.   And yet, God has been good in gently reminding me this is what He has planned for me right now.  My most important calling is to nurture and raise my sons for the glory of the Lord.  If I neglect to do this but strive to do everything else well, then I believe I've missed the point.  I can pursue ministry opportunities and my passions, but if I neglect to nurture my children and love them well, then I have failed and not properly cared for what God has entrusted to me.

During a very hectic, stressful, and tiring day, I had this conversation with my 2.5-year-old while changing his diaper (yes, he really ought to be potty-trained):

Me:  Oh, CJ.  When are you going to start telling Mommy when you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo?  You're too big for diapers, and I'm tired of changing them!  [Frustrated and now thinking aloud]  When is Mommy's life going to get easier?  I guess life will never be easy until I get to heaven.  [Trying very hard not to inhale the fumes of the stinky diaper.]

CJ:  Mama, why you going to heaven?

Me: [Caught off-guard that he heard and understood me.  I smile.]  Because Jesus loves me.

CJ:  Mama, may I go to heaven, too?

Me: [Choked up and kissing him on forehead]  Of course, darling!  Jesus loves you and died for you, too!

In my frustration of trying to take care of every little thing, manage a hectic life and wishing for a simpler one, I often miss out on what God is doing.  I easily get caught up in trying to complete the to-do list and check off all the boxes.  But my most important calling is not to strive for a home that could be featured in Martha Stewart's magazine but rather to be a godly wife and mother.  I am to encourage, support, and love my husband well.  To nurture, raise, and ground our children in God's Word and His love.  And to be an example of a woman who loves the Lord and is kind, compassionate, and gracious.

Every day, the Lord gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the gospel and minister to my husband and my children.  I pray and pray the Holy Spirit would help me to do that well.  And that instead of a grumbling heart, He'd give me a grateful one.

O Lord, help me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Help me to love my husband well, provide instruction for our children, and to use the gifts You've given me for Your glory and honor.

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

You and I had some good moments, but I have a confession to make.  I'm glad we're almost through.  It's time we move on.

Yes, I at least owe you an explanation.  So here goes a long one.

You and I started off on the wrong foot.  In January, I was sleep-deprived and exhausted with an 18-month and 3-month-old and didn't know how I was going to survive.   Thankfully, my maternity leave ended, and in February, I returned back to work full-time with my firm in Manhattan (while my children were in the care of my in-laws).  But ever increasingly, I felt a naggingly strong conviction that I needed to be home more often but wrestled with the thought because (1) it would mean a huge financial sacrifice and (2) I wasn't cut out to be a stay-home mom.

Well, you know God wasn't going to let me use those as legit excuses.  As if (although they seem pretty legit to me!).

So ever the negotiator with the Almighty (foolishness, I know), I thought a compromise was in order.  Perhaps I could just work part-time.  Mustering up some courage, I approached my manager in April and we worked out a 10-hour/week consulting agreement (I was hoping for 20 hours but took whatever I could).  It was extra income and would give me an excuse to get out of the house one day a week.  I stayed on full-time until the end of August.

And in September, I thought I was going to lose my mind.  Do you remember that?  I'm sure you do.

Staying home was surely the biggest mistake I had ever made.  My oldest son was now two and terrible.  My youngest turned one and became mobile on two legs.  Combine the two and it meant me running in all different directions yelling at the top of my lungs.  Although my in-laws still continued to come for a few hours in the morning to lend a hand, I was struggling to find a routine, balance, and meaning to this new life at home.  Surely, I could get my job back if I wanted.  But for whatever reason, I stuck it out.  Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment.

And with my husband's permission, I share the following knowing others might find encouragement from it.

It also didn't help that my marriage was going through a rough patch at the time.   Not many would have guessed it, but it didn't slip by you.  Our friends have often commented on viewing us as an ideal couple and how our marriage seemed so perfect.  NEWS FLASH!  No marriage is perfect.  Marriage is not a happily-ever-after fairy tale and if anyone buys into that, they're in for a rude awakening.   One of the books James and I read during our premarital counseling was key in preparing us for this:  Sacred Marriage:  What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than Happy?  I highly recommend it.  Though marriage is a wonderful gift with many blessings, it has a way of revealing the ugliest parts of one self.   It's good to be prepared for that but also to keep in mind this is how God uses marriage and our spouse to shape and refine us to become more like Christ.

Well, it seemed my husband and I were no longer hand-in-hand partners.  Rather, we had become the Divvy It Up tag-team duo.  "Tag.  You're it.  Your turn to take this one out while I stay home during the other one's naptime."  "You're it, your turn to do the shopping while I get some laundry done."  "You're it.  You put this one to sleep while I give the other one a bath."   With overlaps in the boys' schedules, it seemed we rarely spent much time together as a family.  And forget couple time.  By the end of the evening, James and I were so pooped we'd literally pass out in bed.

The transition with me being home also brought about underlying issues that were never quite resolved between my husband and I.  Past hurts and wounds were resurrected, and there was a period we wondered if it was possible to ever reconcile these issues.  We knew we needed help, but asking for it would not be easy.  We shared our struggles with our church small group, and we eventually ended up meeting with our pastor as well.  God is so good.  Through sharing, praying, reading scripture and also reading The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict as a church body, God worked to reveal the sins and flaws in our hearts.  Upon admitting them to one another, it opened up the path to understanding, forgiveness, and wholeness in our relationship again.  This doesn't mean we still don't fight or have misunderstandings, but we're better equipped to address them in a more loving, godly manner.  This will be a lifelong process though (I still prefer the good ol' silent treatment because I'm so darn good at it).     

Then 2010, you threw us for a loop in the latter half of the year as my family came to grips with my grandmother's ailing condition.  On the morning of July 31, my grandmother complained of a stomach ache, went to the hospital, and then was admitted to the ICU once it was determined her intestine had ruptured and infection had spread to her major organs.  She survived that ordeal only then to be diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer so far advanced it was beyond seeking surgery or chemo therapy.  At the beginning of September, she was released from the hospital to spend the remainder of her days at home with family.  On October 16, she went home to be with the Lord.

Death was gain for her (Philippians 1:21).  Despite knowing this, however, the loss for us was difficult to bear.  Namely for my mother.  They were literally the best of friends.   I take that back.   My grandmother's best friend here on earth was her husband of 62 years.  My grandfather, a devout man of God and a retired pastor, misses her ever so dearly.  My heart aches mostly for him.

So do you understand why I'm glad we're moving on?

You and I did share some good moments though, and I will never forget those.

James and I attended IJM's (International Justice Mission) Annual Prayer Gathering in D.C. in April.  We didn't have great expectations.  But of course, God did and He worked in our hearts to demonstrate the importance and power of prayer.  It fueled our hearts to pray for all things at all times without ceasing.   God is working and He gives us the privilege to take part in what He's doing through prayer and action.  My greatest desire is to become a woman of prayer much like my grandmother.  I have a long way to go and will admit my prayer life has been lacking recently.  But He who began a good work will bring it to completion.

This year, I have also seen my husband, the ever-loving father and servant, grow more and more into a godly and wise leader.  On a daily basis, I get to see how God is using my husband's heart of compassion and generosity in big and small ways.  And I am learning how to be more patient and forgiving because my husband is much better at it than I.  And we continue to be each other's biggest supporters and fans.

And as for the saga of being home, I can now see glimpses of the impact it has on my children.   I see transformations taking place in them - not only physical but mental and spiritual as well.  I get to experience the moments when my two-year-old will kiss his brother's boo-boo or say a sweet prayer of thanks or when my boys sing with great excitement, "Happy Birthday, Jesus", on Christmas morning.  I am witness to their joy and wonder in such simple things and am learning to do likewise.   Don't get me wrong.  There are still days (very many) I just want to rip my hair out, but God is teaching me to be more patient - with my boys and with myself.

I also started writing regularly again and I have this medium to thank for it.  This creative outlet, which served as a source of sanity in the beginning, ended up being a way for me to connect with and be encouraged by others.  I am so thankful for that and for the folks I have met.

We also celebrated CJ's 2-year-birthday with a cause, threw an elaborate homemade 1-year bash for Nathan, and got to brag about having our son featured topless in a calendar (every parents' dream, I'm sure).

All in all, 2010, we had our ups and downs.  But I can see God's hand in it in every instance and I am eternally grateful for that.

But I'm eager to say hello to 2011 and see what it has in store for us.

Bidding adieu,
Rachel

The Master Plan

I had it all mapped out (and at the age of 10, no less).    

{ illustration by stuart lee }

THE MASTER PLAN

• Graduate with honors from high school.
• Get into a good university and obtain a business degree.
• Land a good job, climb up the corporate ladder, and eventually start my own ad agency.
• Travel the world and enjoy all of life's pleasures.
• If I get married, great, but I'm not counting on it.

I was determined to make my life a success story.

I got up to the part where I was able to get into a good university but soon realized I didn't really care much for business school.  I loved English and enjoyed Religion, but what was I going to do with that?  The practical side of me kept telling myself to chug along.  Stay on course.  Endure the finance, economic, marketing, accounting courses.  Stick to the plan.

So I did.  I graduated with a BBA in Marketing, landed a job with a design/build firm outside of D.C. to start and head up their marketing efforts.  The president and founder of the company not only hired me but took me under his wings and invested time and energy into molding me for leadership and management.   I soaked it all up, worked like crazy, and began laying the groundwork for achieving my success story - all before the age of 25.

Then the quarter-life crisis hit.  While I was sitting in my office at 10pm one evening in early 2001, a moment of epiphany occurred.

"What am I doing?  What's the point of all this?  I've sold my life to this company, and for what?  Will I be 50 and look back at my life and wonder where it all went?  What am I investing my time and energy in?  Am I wasting my life away?"

These thoughts echoed through my head for months as I continued to attend company functions, sit through meetings, work on marketing brochures, schmooze with potential clients.

And then one day, I said enough.

I knew in my heart of hearts this was not what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  But I didn't really have much of a backup plan.  All I knew was that the master plan was not working out for me.

With great hesitation, I gave notice and quit my job.  And so the journey began.

But I found that I was more hopelessly lost than ever.  Everything I thought I wanted and had envisioned for my life since age 10 had been completely scrapped.  I was starting out on a blank sheet and didn't know what to fill it with.

I began with what I knew best.  Words.

Words, words, and more words.   I catalogued my journey online before the term "blogging" was ever coined.  When I read back on those entries, I can feel the weight of a confused and misdirected 20-something-year-old in search of herself.

Well, it wasn't enough for me to just quit my job.  I decided I needed a change of scenery as well.  So I packed up my things, said goodbye to my sister and brother (who I was living with at the time), all my friends in Virginia, and departed for the Big Apple where dreams come true (or so I was told).

I didn't know anyone.  I didn't have a job.  I searched online for an available space to rent in the NY area and found a small, little apartment in West New York.  I took on temp jobs as an admin by day.  By night, I was either checking out gigs and different musical artists or at home immersed in songwriting myself (yes, aspiring singer-songwriter is filed under the list of plans that didn't pan out for me as well).

And so began my new life as an anonymous nobody lost in the crowd of millions just hoping to make my days count for something.

After 9/11, I landed a job as an Executive Assistant to the CEO of a renown publishing company.  It paid the bills.  I also got plugged into a church and made an incredible group of friends.  One of whom became a close friend and eventually my husband.

James and I got married, and five years later, here we are with two absolutely beautiful sons, living out in the burbs, trying to make our days count for the glory of the King.

This was definitely not a part of my plan.

But God had better ones in store for me.  And I am keenly aware that He has better plans still for me and my family.  We just need to be open to them (that's the hard part).

When people hear my story, they say, "Wow, you were brave."

No.  I was foolish.  Even so, God demonstrated incredible mercy and grace in my life.  He intervened because although "He loved me just the way I was, He loved me too much to let me stay that way" (one of my favorite lines from the film, Junebug).

Now Mary.  She was brave.  She also had a plan.  She was going to marry a nice man, live a nice, quiet, innocuous life in a small, quaint town where everyone knew each other and life was going to be ordinary and simple.

But God had greater plans for her.  Plans to give her a child and save the world through him.  It could very well have cost her her man, her dreams, her reputation, even her very life (they did not take well to infidelity).   But instead, she trusted God and responded humbly with “I am the Lord’s servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled" (Luke 1:38)

Our executive pastor gave an excellent sermon about God's plan for Mary this past Sunday.  I encourage you to listen to it, and as we think about the new year, be open to the wonderful plans He has in store for our lives.

The Son's Return

{ the love of a father }

While the wayward child foolishly wastes away all of his Father's riches and inheritance, the Father (broken-hearted but not without hope) calls the son's name and waits and waits and waits eagerly for his son's return.  And when the son finally finds his way back home and is seen from a distance on the long, dusty road, the Father is done waiting.

Instead, he runs and runs and runs with open arms ready to receive and hold his beloved once again.

The Father does not give up on us.

Beauty Out of Chaos

{ the chaos }



{ the beauty created }



{ the joy to be had }

* * *

There is a wonderful analogy here as I think about the mess and chaos of life.   What good could possibly come from these things?

God has a plan.  He will take the mess and brokenness of life and make beauty out of it.  And joy will be ours.

The real beauty is He's already accomplished this.  

On the cross. 

Through Jesus. 

For us.

Tribute to Grandma Kim

Bong Ha Kim
July 15, 1930 - October 16, 2010

Tonight we celebrated my grandmother's life and legacy.  Over 300 guests came to pay their respects and say their final "See you soon".  I paid tribute to her in a letter I shared:

{ with her third great-grandchild;
photo taken by sun yun }

Dear Grandma,

As the eldest of your grandchildren, I had the privilege and honor of bestowing you with the title “Grandmother” for the first time on the day I was born. And 10 grandchildren later, it became a role you embodied and embraced with so much love, pride, and care. You spoiled each and every one of us rotten – not with material things (for you knew these things mean nothing in the end) – but with the power of your prayers and by demonstrating God’s love to us on a daily basis.

None of your children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren have known a day that you, our mighty prayer warrior, were not interceding on our behalf. Every day, you and Grandfather knelt before the King of kings lifting up the many petitions, concerns, and praises for our family.

One petition that I knew had grown heavy on your heart several years ago concerned the prospect of me ever getting married.  I was pretty adamant about staying single and stubbornly declared I didn’t need a husband or children.  Maybe I’d just get a dog one day.  When I was 26, I specifically remember Christmas at Uncle’s house that year.  You and I were sitting on the sofa, and you had asked me again if I was dating or if there was a man of interest in my life.  I told you “No” and reminded you that I was never going to get married.

And then you leaned in towards me.  And very quietly, you asked me in Korean, “You like men, right?”  And I laughed!  And then you laughed, but I think you were somewhat serious!

Well, I saw the delight on your face the day I got married to James and knew God had answered your prayers.

It was hard to see you suffer the past few months.  It was difficult to see the color and life of the light of our family slowly start to dim.  Why had God allowed you to suffer in such a way?

But even in the midst of suffering, you continued to praise God.  What a testimony to us!  I remember an instance when I came to visit you earlier in September.  You had just been released from the hospital and were in hospice care at Uncle’s house.  You were so weak, tired, and in pain.  Your mouth was extremely dry so I rinsed it out with some water.  You lifted up your frail arms and thanked God even for spit because it gave you the ability to speak, even if just a whisper.

That was the testimony of your faith – being able to bless His name even when the circumstances were difficult.  And then I began to realize why it was you suffered in such a way:  It was because your faith was so much greater and stronger than ours.  You were ready to go home to your greatest treasure, Jesus, but we weren’t ready to let you.

So God prolonged your agony and your suffering for our sake.  For the sake of your husband, your children, and your grandchildren.  So we could prepare ourselves to say our goodbyes.  So we could have time to process you not being here on earth with us anymore.

And then it made me think of how Jesus died and how God had allowed his perfect son to suffer for your sake and mine.  How great is that love!  Thank you for that sacrifice, Father.

Grandma, when I heard that you went home to be with the Lord, a very selfish part of me thought, “we’ve lost our mighty prayer warrior for this family.”

And the Lord, ever lovingly, said “No. Your prayer warrior is here with me, right by my side, and continues to intercede on your behalf.”


{ four generations }

I pray you find rest and peace in heaven, Grandma.  Although I imagine with your new body, your bad leg finally healed after all these years, your spirit and mind restored, you’re probably too busy singing, jumping, and dancing with Jesus to rest.  And I praise God for that.

We love you with all our hearts. 


Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)